During university I worked part time at a Residence. I met a few people there and often times we would go for coffee or snack after work.
One particular time I went for icecream with Suzanne. She was a bit older than me and from the Phil.
The way I was brought up was not to take advantage of people's hospitality. She covered my icecream when I was already ready to pay.
This made me feel a bit bad or like I "owed" her next time. I even said "ok, I will cover it next time we go out".
She looked at me and said "No, thats not how this goes, we don't keep track of these things, we are friends, if I covered it, it is because I wanted to, and do not expect anything back. There is no list of who owes who what or how many times someone has done anything for anyone. This is not a business transaction. Just accept it with a thank you and if you feel like covering it for me one day then go ahead, but only because you want to, not because you feel you owe me anything. "
This stuck in my head and it made me think of how I looked at things.
I agree with this and it made me feel somehow comforted in her kindness so much I thought that this is how I would like to look at things.
It does leave a good feeling to just do things for others, or even to help out and not be motivated by keeping score. Whether there is a bunch of you or just you and another person, its good to just see it as a team relationship or family. You look out for one another and you care about one another.
For the most part, I think I have gravitated toward those that have similar values as me. I still often find myself almost arguing with my friends about who is covering everything. How freeing and open it feels to have these kinds of relationships!
That being said.... I've had many friends and acquaintances through out my life to know that there are those few... who have left these weird uneasy impressions on me. I notice more when people do keep score and question their sincerity in their actions. I notice more when people take advantage of this generosity and never really offer the same or are not thankful.
Like the time I went out with a gf from highschool and I knew she was struggling a bit to find work after university. We went out for Bubble tea and at the end of our long chat over tea we were ready to head home... I told her that I will cover this and not to worry as the bill was coming. She perked up and said - "Oh in that case, let me order another drink..." I was taken aback by this but complied... So we sat back down so she can have another drink. Awkward!
Needless to say, people do exist that have different values from Suzanne and myself. It is so different that it leaves an impression on me, not a very nice feeling either, as if suddenly I feel I need to keep track so not to be taken advantage of again. I do remember those that are not thankful or that seem unconscious of the person they are talking to or interacting with. I do remember those that complain when you ask them a favor instead of just helping out, as a team/family member would. Or as a person that is part of a closer relationship would.
I was taught to give the best pieces of food to your guests, not take the best pieces for yourself and give your guests the mediocre food. I was taught to give up your bed or share your bed for the guests if they are staying over not let them sleep on the hard floor and not even the couch because it is white and you did not want to ruin it (yea a old hs friend did this to me in her new condo). I was taught to not act as a guest that is being catered to when you are visiting someones home, so offer to help out and actually help out and help with the dishes. I was taught not to be stingy with counting per head or limiting food pieces for guests you have for dinner. I was taught to always try to bring something as a gift or to share when visiting another persons home, not just BYOB that you hesitate to share and only for yourself which seems so foreign to me. I was taught to be thankful for a gift more than correcting or critical of it, even if you do not like it. The effort and thought is what matters most.
I am thankful for what I was taught and what I have learned from others. I guess I am naive to be taken aback that there exists people who have been taught differently.
And the thing is, those friends you have similar values with, if they ask you for a favor you are there. No questions asked. Because you know they are not taking advantage of you or think less of you or disrespect you. But if you are asked a favor by those you know have different values, you hesitate because you knew how awkward you have felt before with them. If you want to be part of a closer relationship with anyone you act like it, and they feel it from you. If you demand to be part of a closer relationship and do not feel you are getting that from someone, there is often these differences in values as to why.
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