I had a gf growing up. We were pretty close, maybe calling each other Best Friend.
Today, I do not believe in "Best Friends".
I mean, you can have great friends and wonderful friends and close friends. No one really takes the title of best.
I think when we were younger it was a way of claiming friendship over another. Well if she is your best friend then no one can come close to that and she is more important etc... Silly really.
We are no longer friends, and I really do not know where she is.
Sometimes I get anxiety over seeing her or meeting her again or bumping into her. Nightmares really.
I learned something about myself and about friendship or even love due to her. It was one of those hard life lessons. No one person is really at fault. Both have faults.
I used to ask my sister in law - your friend is doing this or that life mistake, how can you stand around and say nothing ?? She said "you just do, you are there to support, not agree with everything, but just there to support and be there for her, a friend. "
Thing is growing up, and maybe still now a bit (I am learning though), I am and was pretty solidly protective of all my friends and family. Hello, Scorpio here. I'm small in stature and relatively quiet but I'd be ready to fight, to say something that cuts, to call it out, and put all my effort into it to protect them.
My over protectiveness ranges from "Oh no they d'int! Hold my purse." rolling up my sleeves, tying up my hair to pounce on any attacker/disrespector etc.
to
Smacking my loved ones up side the head saying "wtf were you thinking?!?"
...Even to the point of getting mad at them for the choices they made for their lives.
In fact, they knew this, and hid things from me.
Sleeping with a married man? Do not tell Joss.
Cheating on your bf? Do not confide in Joss.
Allowing a man to boss you around? Do not tell Joss.
Going after one of our mutual friend's love interest? Do not tell Joss
Taking back someone who abused you? Do not tell Joss
Dropping out of school? Do not tell Joss
Running away from home? Do not tell Joss
Making the same mistakes over and over again? Do not tell Joss
Yep I was pretty hard on my friends/ family. Having high standards and aspirations made it worse. I felt it was my way of also protecting them from getting hurt.
I look back now and say that everything I have judged people for doing, I too was tested with some of the similar situations (not all of them). And when you actually live the experience yourself or faced with the same situation/ choice, you gain a little more compassion and understanding toward the other person. How difficult the decisions may have been and how things are not so cut and dry.
So to show love, acceptance and support without judgement is some of what I am learning in this process.
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So what happens when someone you love and care about is with someone you do not exactly agree with? When this person actually treats your loved one with disrespect, belittling, controlling, domineering or manipulative, deceitful, or even in a bullying way?
I mean, that is practically verbal abuse, which is just as harmful as physical abuse right?
Yet your loved one appears happyish. They are not reaching out for help. They are living life fine.
You do not see any fights or disagreements there is no apparent tourmoil they show they are having. They are not living in fear or danger. They are just there, together and doing fine. That is just their dynamic, as dysfunctional as it may seem.
What can you do?
I have learned, nothing but love. Love your loved ones, and this means also accepting the one they have accepted in life. And do not fake accept either. Fakeness can always be seen and felt.
This takes a lot of strength and self control, it also takes a lot of digging deep to see the positives and just accept the other for the positives. Sometimes when you focus on the positives and express this, that part of the character grows, and the rest may or may not fade.
Unfortunately, it is not your place to correct this wrong. This is something they have accepted and allowed. And something that they have to deal with. Not you.
I was tested when this behavior I do not agree with spilled out onto another friend or family member. I was livid. But I learned that that this other friend/family member will handle it on their own and allow what they will allow for the sake of the good. Meaning they will stand their own ground on what it is they are willing to receive or not receive from this person. It is still not my place.
What will hurt your loved ones more is your non acceptance of this person they chose, rather than your loved ones being hurt by the person they chose. No matter how much it bothers you that your loved ones will continue to be disrespected and mistreated.
wow - super duper difficult.
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