Do it now....

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you are failing at life?
I wish there was a handbook for this.

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Aside from that.....

Today I was asked something about my dad.
I had no idea what the answer was, something about his past and how he arrived in this country. I knew the big details but not the exact little ones.
I thought meh, so what.
But I was told in a gentle way, to maybe ask those things of my dad, you know, while he is still here to tell me them.
ugh. That thought. The thought I cannot accept. The mortality of those you love. Despite me not showing it much and taking them for granted. The people we are blessed with in this life are not ours to keep. They will not always be there no matter how much we fight it. And when they are gone, what will you remember of them? You know, to still keep them with you somehow. Can you look back and say you really knew them, no matter how close you think you are to them.


I don't know what the fucking meaning of life is. I actually don't know most of the time why the fuck I was put on this earth (case in point my intro to this post-kinda-day). But I do feel that if you don't have deeper connections with people around you, find your purpose and Listen (which I have been known not to do), and take the time to know people and do all the things we want to do with those we care and love, and jump into what excites/ interests us, then really what's the point? I feel what is left is to meander the earth not ever being grounded to it and those in it, not leaving a mark or an impression and just going through the highs and lows on autopilot never hitting a mark or destination - it would all seem actually pointless. Like a movie that doesn't make sense (ie. Open House on Netflix) and suddenly you are left with the fact that you lost an hour and a half of your precious time.

I went out with someone once, who I liked and they liked me too. They made plans. But I was hesitant to, since - you know of my cautious glass half empty. And then it ended abruptly. The worst thing is to have things end abruptly. A meal. A conversation. A movie. A life. A relationship. But somehow, there came a second chance. And you know what I did that time? Made a full list of all the things we wanted to do. Visit this place, eat this meal, take this drive, watch this movie, visit this store, make a snowman, go skating. I said we had one day to do all of this in case it ends again. And that day I was pretty thankful for. I remember even looking into the starry night sky saying thank you for this moment (The rest after that day, not so much. But that day I was thankful for, for sure.)

Anyhow, I am thankful for the gentle advice.

My dad came here after finishing a work visa contract In the states. He did not want to go back home and decided to come up north to Canada instead. His sister was here and she had a friend working in a hospital in Windsor. He was offered a position in the hospital. But after visiting the town, he did not even show up for the first day he was scheduled to work! Very not like his responsible self. But he said the town was soooo boring he could not stand it, too lonely. hahaha! (no offence to Windsor, though this was in the late 60's). So he continued to apply to other places closer to the bigger cities. And finally ended up with another work visa in the place where he met my mom....

Do all you want to do now, ask all you want to know now, soak up every bit of everyone you hold dear, and as I said a few posts ago about my almond croissant, do not save the best for last, eat it now.