bereft

Well can't add this word to my Jossipedia files because it actually exists. I haven't really heard of it before.

Talked to a patient today who is in her early 70s.
For the few times she has been in to see me, I would describe her as a very independant, socially proactive woman. Maybe even a feminist.
She explained that at the age of 30 she decided to have her tubes tied.
Not surprising, because she explained how she had a horrible family life, "horrible mother", and had no desire at all to have kids and pass that down to another generation. She jokingly said, I saved a few kids from going to therapy that way. Looking back she has never regretted that decision and she had not ever changed her mind about not having kids.
Interestingly though, she said after the procedure was done, she was surprised at herself, because she suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of loss. She describes it as Bereft. She was not expecting that at all. Even though it was her decision to have her tubes tied, she felt that she lost something so fundamental to being a woman. A capacity that the female body has to carry and produce a child, she felt less of a woman in a sense, that a very important part of her was missing. She said she wished that someone would have warned her: Oh btw, you may need a therapist after this procedure.

I wondered aloud and said to her, I wonder why then it could not have been the other way around... your husband at the time could have had a vasectomy. Why is birth control most often than not in the woman's hands or most often than not - why must our bodies be affected by this. Why not the men? Birth control affects our hormones, having tubes tied affects our hormones. The only other thing that men have to do is simply wear a condom. But that in it self makes most men throw their hands up in the air claiming "allergy to latex!" or "I don't like how it feels!" Meanwhile, we get our womanhood removed, we interfere with the nature of our hormones, we get copper metal pieces tied up into our uterus, or we deal with the 9 plus months of pregnancy, the physical changes and taxes of postpartum depression, of the physical aftermath of stretchmarks, body changes and the labour itself.

I am not a mother myself. But this story of this lady saddens me. I feel it could be looked at as "girl power" or woman's choice. But it is not. It is not when it affects us negatively. Physically and emotionally negatively. We may see it as feminism to do this to stand up against the norm and take "control" of our bodies. But I don't feel it is that way. It is the woman who is being altered to have this "convenience". I guess I am not a feminist.

Her answer was simply because the woman has more at stake. It is our bodies that change, it is us that carries the child, the men can choose to stay or not to stay, but either way they do not have that obvious physical responsibility or burden (whichever way you look at it), and you cannot trust them to take on this responsibility. But still I questioned this - why not? Why don't they? And isn't it then, by us changing our bodies for this convenience of not having an unwanted child, isn't it then enabling the idea that the man has not much at stake in this situation and therefore their less responsibility is more pronounced? This idea of "feminism" to me, feels like it is just semantics - just a twist on the same inequality. Oh and when I talk of equality, I do not talk about women trying to be like men etc. I talk about the equal respect we have for both sexes. That is equality. Celebrating and respecting the nature in which we are made - woman being a woman and all the wonderful things that go with it, and men being true gentlemen.

I agree with this lady that the ability and capacity to bear a child is a profound essence of being a woman, so is the decision to have or not have one. But I do not believe that this decision should happen at a cost to this woman's health - mental and physical, nor should it be at a cost to a life that has already begun. I do not see feminism in that.