Not Simply Said

Im audio listening to a book called Simply Said. 

I definitely need this. 

I have not finished the book yet, or at least have not finished taking notes on it. 

Many a time I have had to struggle to describe things. More so, things that I feel since my mind seems to be disconnected at times from my feelings and even from the words that come out of my mouth. Especially if it is a topic I am uncomfortable talking about or if it is a topic intertwined with all the thoughts I have judging myself in my head. 

In University I had a friend in my Physiology Lab class. Eventually, maybe because of the attentiveness he had toward me, his kindness or his obvious efforts to make me laugh at every class, I started crushing on him. I remember the time I handed my Lab assignment to my T.A at the last minute. Relieved I started my way out of the building, as I walked down the hall I saw two figures approaching me, walking hand in hand. He was on his way to hand in his lab as well, with his GF. I remember telling my gf at the time how I thought "why are all the good guys taken?" 

I continued to be his friend and although I admired him, the idea of him being a potential date faded into the background...Until a few hours before our final Physiology exam after our final class. I was eating lunch on my own in the lounge area at the lower front of the (then) Sigmond Samuel Library at U of T. Somehow, Simeon found me sitting there having my lunch and joined me for a bit. All year this never ever happened, nor did I even remember seeing him in that library at all. I finished up my lunch and made my way to some of the study desks in the library in front of the main windows. Strangely enough he asked if he could join me. It was there where he told me he wasn't dating anyone and hadn't been for the last 4 months. I believe he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Which was a strange question in itself, it seemed huge compared to just a date. I could not answer him except to let him know that he really distracted me right before our exam. After our exam we met up again and I reiterated that I thought I did not do well in it and he was partly to blame. 

From that question, the gears in my head started going into overdrive. Girlfriend? that is a big step! We were just friends. Not even flirting stages yet, why not just a date? Does that mean I am I supposed to be replacing the girl he was just dating before? This was his second girlfriend in all of his 21 yrs of age and I had not even had one boyfriend at that point. Gosh I was soooo embarrassed to tell him how inexperienced I was to qualify for "girlfriend" at that point. I do not think I had even been on a date-date yet at that time (yea - as I have said before, I'm a late bloomer). Maybe his opinion of me would change if he knew? Maybe he would think I am a loser. Maybe he would see the real me instead of the laughing-at-his-jokes-playing-it-cool-when-I-saw-him Joss. Maybe he would see a non-confident, vulnerable Joss - ewww, No!  Maybe he would realize how awkward I was and that I was crushing on him way before I saw him with his ex-gf. What if I mess it up? I didn't know what to do as a girlfriend, what does the job entail? Did I even have time to study the Job description without revealing that I was clueless.  Man I wish I had gone on more dates or had a bf before he asked me so at least I would be all : "cool, cool, girlfriend? I know the drill, sure, I'll sign up. No big deal, no freak out. Cause you know, I've done that before, I know what to do." Maybe I can say somehow we could take it slow? Maybe somehow I could say we can just go on dates first instead of me filling in some assumed bigger shoes of his not so long ago ex-girlfriend? How do I tell him this but not tell him that I'm embarrassingly inexperienced?

So once he walked me to the subway stairs for me to head home, I blurted out something like:

 "Yea, you know what you asked me earlier? Sure we can go on dates, you know, see other people as well, right?" 

The sad thing about the whole thing was, on the subway ride home, I have never been so elated in my life until that point, I sat there thinking how amazing life was that one can experience such happiness that we could not even conceive of. I remember thinking that every single thing that went down during this situation was amazing. He got what I meant I'm sure of it, I mean I thought it all out right so whatever came out of my mouth must be encompassing all that I was thinking and feeling and when I see him again we will start planning our first date!! I pictured him as my boyfriend. 

Excited to see him again, the next day my hello! was greeted with a short, court, dismissive, mumble of acknowledgement. I was left hanging, sort of like how it feels when someone walks away when you are talking mid sentence, as if you were never talking in the first place. I was left standing there alone dumbfounded and wondered why would he act like that? What happened from wonderful yesterday until now? Did someone say something bad about me to him? And as the dawn's misty fog fades to reveal the swampy marsh.... I realized It was me, I had hurt his feelings. He took what I felt as a green light to be a bright neon RED stop sign with police tape blockading it saying I do not like you at all, buzz off, keep off lawn lol. How could I have gotten that all sooooooo wrong? If ever there was a broken-telephone, this was so opposite from what I felt. 

I wanted to tell him what I meant and fix it and that I liked him back and that I pictured him as my bf, but that would mean explaining all that vulnerable stuff at the same time there was a risk of him not believing me.

How strange it is how the pathway from our thoughts to our minds to our words can be so complicated. So simply said, communication is key... apparently I am not quite there yet.