My Own heart

Here's the thing, this is my experience whether anyone believes it or not, and its silly to have to prove or justify.

I love visiting Italy. Why? I went there when I was in university really thinking nothing of it (there was a conference I was attending). I had a rough time getting there solo, met up with my group just in time to sit in the Convent's (where we were rooming) dining hall across from strangers and I took one bite of their rigatoni pasta bolongnese. Just like when you are so busy, stressed and absent minded to whats around you and you suddenly realize where you are.

POW! Love at first bite. I mean I had pasta before but not like that....

I vowed to somehow come back. 

Ever since I have been fascinated by the food, the beautiful country, mostly the coastal cities. 

I have been back 3 times. But the last time, I did not get to throw my usual coins into the Trevi fountain because it was under construction. Hope that is a myth because I would like to go back, even just to show others how wonderful I think it is. 

When I talked of it before to family or friends there would occasionally be some comment about - Oh and the Italian men... oh la la.... TBH I did not really see the ooo la la's there. Maybe a couple? But not like all the hype you hear about or see in movies. 

You know not many years ago I went there to recuperate. I was going through a really difficult time in my life where I could not concentrate on work, and I just had to get away from it all. I wished at the time, forever. I was sad, almost depressed, well actually depressed. I spent my nights and some parts of the day crying my self out, writing in my journal and thinking how much of the world I did not deserve to ever have. Why did I go to this particular place in Italy - well in my past travels, this was the one place where I just felt worry free for the first time since I was a kid, so amazed at the beauty and relaxed so much that I (non sun worshiper and avid  sun avoider) fell blissfully asleep on the beach. (that is not normal for me). The sound of the waves and the sun on my legs and the ocean air, not a care in the world, I thought for a moment - wow I have arrived and tried to soak up that moment ...... that is why I went back there when life got tough.

It saddens me to have people think that when a woman travels, one of her soul reasons is to meet a guy or be swept off her feet. But if a man travels and has a place he likes to frequent - no one says oh he is going there to be swept off his feet! As if this is what completes a woman or that is her purpose in life or that she needs to be taken care of.

I liken it to questions I get regarding photos of flowers on my Instagram or on FB that I post. Who is it from? Who gave you those? --- Um, these were from Me.... and those flowers were from Myself.... and this, I gave this to myself... Why ? Because I love how flowers brighten up my place, my mood, my spirit, how they make me feel, because they are pretty and prettier when they are fresh. You know, I have bought more flowers for myself than I was given flowers?!?! Whaaaaattt, hold up... shocking huh? Like women are just waiting for life to happen to them or for them to be saved or taken care of. Sure it would be nice or I wouldn't reject flowers from someone else, but idea is that I do not depend on someone else to give me flowers.

Why does it have to do with someone else other than myself? Why is it strange for people to hear - I do this or I like this because I like it.  Why is it that hard to think that women like to do things for themselves like there must be another half that must be in the picture, or that our sole purpose is that we do things to find that someone else, that she must be seeking, or that must be why this or that is in her life - the end goal of a man or a partner or something like that. 

Because I have been single for most of my life I have been very sensitive to those nuances from others. It has felt very insulting and has added undue pressure and had made me question myself. And to say otherwise than what they assume, there must be something wrong. I've been on the outside looking in for most of my life. I have seen it from my perspective. There are people who view it from their perspective, maybe they have been living as a partner for someone else more often than they have been independent and on their own. Maybe they do not understand what it means to be independent and to face being happy in your own company, own experiences, own achievements. 

Anyhow, that is my judgement from looking at them, just as they may have from looking at me.

No one likes to be told who they are. No one likes having assumptions about them as facts. We all seek to be seen for who we are, no one likes to be called fake. Maybe there are many out there that are, so when there is something real they question it, doubt it in some weird self destructive way. 

Anyhow this instant in time I was so happy. Happy with me and happy where I was. And no, this instant in time, I was not seeking anything else, because as little as it may seem this was my goal for 16 years before, and ..................I had finally arrived.