dear Nephew....

I recently had a conversation with my sis in law about some HS drama that my nephew had experienced.  Well, not necessarily in his HS but with other kids of that age group.

I know I can be the over protective sister, friend, partner and aunt. I mean, can you drop kick a kid for bullying your nephew? No? Darn. I am pretty sure I drove my lil bro a bit insane when he was in HS being over protective. 

Anyhow I would say I am pretty proud so far of both my niece and nephew. My nephew is a pretty friendly kid, not afraid or shy to go up to people and can have a conversation with those his age and even adults just fine. If he doesn't like something I made he is not only self aware but he is aware of those around him saying "It's not for me auntie but thanks, its still good, not bad" instead of "yuck, I don't like it!" He is thoughtful and considerate of others feelings. 

Anyhow he befriended some person who was, lets just say, one of THOSE people that probably does not get much attention at home. And when he no longer was friends with them this person decided to harass those of his friends that he knows, since I guess kids just friend anyone who is a friend of someone they know. This has led to false accusations and even an expulsion of a friend of his from their school! 

As a female I have experienced and have heard all the obstacles we have been through. I have experienced it first hand and still do, especially when wanting to be heard, not taken advantage of and also to be taken seriously. I will always appreciate the Women's rights movements, especially early on when women were not even allowed to go to university, and thought of as their only place was as a homemaker. Though when I look at things now, the Women's rights have swung so far in the opposite direction, that instead of equality, they strive to be superior, in some instances where it would lead some women to believe that Misandry is OK. As if there is no room for both, to be equal and that there was only a competition to be better.

Well, it is NOT OK. Hatred of the opposite is not OK.

Just like Misogyny is not ok.  

That's the definition of Equality. 

My bf and I visited his friend's place not long ago with his daughter. His daughter was quick to play Roblox with his friend's son who I assume is about the same age. I hung out with the kids a bit to see their creations online. At one point the eldest son of my bf's friend said a matter of fact like "I heard in school that girls are better than Boys".  

Imagine how horrible it felt for girls long ago to feel that boys are better, now we are sending a message to boys that girls are better? How horrible it would feel for any kid to grow up thinking he is not good enough? How does this solve equality?! How does this nurture respect ?

I understand saying this to women because they have felt less in society for a long time, but to say that the other is less defeats equality and unity. I feel it is so important what we say to our kids and we need to pay close attention on how we say it. 

This put-down of the other sex appears unnoticed or unimportant because of the struggles women have gone through... but it is there. I grew up with an Ex aunt putting down her husband all the time for laughs. I saw the little girl across the street boss my lil bro around telling him what to do to the point he just wanted to avoid her. I saw the same in her mother to her husband across the street. I see this in guys regurgitating ridiculous statements like they were ' better aware of  or closer to the situation' by their new gfs when their relationship is newer and they have not even been around since the beginning to make such statements.  My lil bro used to call those relatives he saw or friends he knew who's gfs would boss them around to the point he had a name for it "Ander da saya" a filipino term. The meaning of this is the idea that a man that is bossed around by his female partner. It was laughs and jokes back then but the reality of it is like laughing at a woman being bossed around by her male partner or unable to make decisions for herself, or always having her husband talk for her. See the inequality there? Either way it is wrong. 

It saddens me to see this and hear this, in both older and younger men. 

To some extent there is a bit of this in any relationship - more like a check and balance of it - a play between the sides but you can tell when the partnership is still equal. Other times, it is obvious when it is not equal.... I feel like this would be evident in whether that person grows to become the best they can be because of the relationship or cowers in becoming who they are meant to be and ultimately ... merely just dependent on the other.

For all those who have a man in their lives that they care about, whether a father, brother, nephew, son, partner, for all those who fight for true genuine equality you need to see this. Its hard to watch the beginning, but if you care about the men in your lives, it takes you on this journey to think about everything. Great director, open non biased - in my opinion. The Red Pill 

genuine generosity or generously keeping score

During university I worked part time at a Residence. I met a few people there and often times we would go for coffee or snack after work. 

One particular time I went for icecream with Suzanne. She was a bit older than me and from the Phil. 

The way I was brought up was not to take advantage of people's hospitality. She covered my icecream when I was already ready to pay. 

This made me feel a bit bad or like I "owed" her next time. I even said "ok, I will cover it next time we go out". 

She looked at me and said "No, thats not how this goes, we don't keep track of these things, we are friends, if I covered it, it is because I wanted to, and do not expect anything back. There is no list of who owes who what or how many times someone has done anything for anyone. This is not a business transaction. Just accept it with a thank you and if you feel like covering it for me one day then go ahead, but only because you want to, not because you feel you owe me anything. " 

This stuck in my head and it made me think of how I looked at things. 

I agree with this and it made me feel somehow comforted in her kindness so much I thought that this is how I would like to look at things. 

It does leave a good feeling to just do things for others, or even to help out and not be motivated by keeping score. Whether there is a bunch of you or just you and another person, its good to just see it as a team relationship or family. You look out for one another and you care about one another. 

For the most part, I think I have gravitated toward those that have similar values as me. I still often find myself almost arguing with my friends about who is covering everything. How freeing and open it feels to have these kinds of relationships!

That being said.... I've had many friends and acquaintances through out my life to know that there are those few... who have left these weird uneasy impressions on me. I notice more when people do keep score and question their sincerity in their actions. I notice more when people take advantage of this generosity and never really offer the same or are not thankful.  

Like the time I went out with a gf from highschool and I knew she was struggling a bit to find work after university. We went out for Bubble tea and at the end of our long chat over tea we were ready to head home... I told her that I will cover this and not to worry as the bill was coming. She perked up and said - "Oh in that case, let me order another drink..." I was taken aback by this but complied... So we sat back down so she can have another drink. Awkward! 

Needless to say, people do exist that have different values from Suzanne and myself. It is so different that it leaves an impression on me, not a very nice feeling either, as if suddenly I feel I need to keep track so not to be taken advantage of again. I do remember those that are not thankful or that seem unconscious of the person they are talking to or interacting with. I do remember those that complain when you ask them a favor instead of just helping out, as a team/family member would. Or as a person that is part of a closer relationship would. 

I was taught to give the best pieces of food to your guests, not take the best pieces for yourself and give your guests the mediocre food.  I was taught to give up your bed or share your bed for the guests if they are staying over not let them sleep on the hard floor and not even the couch because it is white and you did not want to ruin it (yea a old hs friend did this to me in her new condo). I was taught to not act as a guest that is being catered to when you are visiting someones home, so offer to help out and actually help out and help with the dishes. I was taught not to be stingy with counting per head or limiting food pieces for guests you have for dinner. I was taught to always try to bring something as a gift or to share when visiting another persons home, not just BYOB that you hesitate to share and only for yourself which seems so foreign to me. I was taught to be thankful for a gift more than correcting or critical of it, even if you do not like it. The effort and thought is what matters most.  

I am thankful for what I was taught and what I have learned from others. I guess I am naive to be taken aback that there exists people who have been taught differently.

And the thing is, those friends you have similar values with, if they ask you for a favor you are there. No questions asked. Because you know they are not taking advantage of you or think less of you or disrespect you. But if you are asked a favor by those you know have different values, you hesitate because you knew how awkward you have felt before with them. If you want to be part of a closer relationship with anyone you act like it, and they feel it from you. If you demand to be part of a closer relationship and do not feel you are getting that from someone, there is often these differences in values as to why.

 

The Social Dilemma | Official Trailer | Netflix

My Own heart

Here's the thing, this is my experience whether anyone believes it or not, and its silly to have to prove or justify.

I love visiting Italy. Why? I went there when I was in university really thinking nothing of it (there was a conference I was attending). I had a rough time getting there solo, met up with my group just in time to sit in the Convent's (where we were rooming) dining hall across from strangers and I took one bite of their rigatoni pasta bolongnese. Just like when you are so busy, stressed and absent minded to whats around you and you suddenly realize where you are.

POW! Love at first bite. I mean I had pasta before but not like that....

I vowed to somehow come back. 

Ever since I have been fascinated by the food, the beautiful country, mostly the coastal cities. 

I have been back 3 times. But the last time, I did not get to throw my usual coins into the Trevi fountain because it was under construction. Hope that is a myth because I would like to go back, even just to show others how wonderful I think it is. 

When I talked of it before to family or friends there would occasionally be some comment about - Oh and the Italian men... oh la la.... TBH I did not really see the ooo la la's there. Maybe a couple? But not like all the hype you hear about or see in movies. 

You know not many years ago I went there to recuperate. I was going through a really difficult time in my life where I could not concentrate on work, and I just had to get away from it all. I wished at the time, forever. I was sad, almost depressed, well actually depressed. I spent my nights and some parts of the day crying my self out, writing in my journal and thinking how much of the world I did not deserve to ever have. Why did I go to this particular place in Italy - well in my past travels, this was the one place where I just felt worry free for the first time since I was a kid, so amazed at the beauty and relaxed so much that I (non sun worshiper and avid  sun avoider) fell blissfully asleep on the beach. (that is not normal for me). The sound of the waves and the sun on my legs and the ocean air, not a care in the world, I thought for a moment - wow I have arrived and tried to soak up that moment ...... that is why I went back there when life got tough.

It saddens me to have people think that when a woman travels, one of her soul reasons is to meet a guy or be swept off her feet. But if a man travels and has a place he likes to frequent - no one says oh he is going there to be swept off his feet! As if this is what completes a woman or that is her purpose in life or that she needs to be taken care of.

I liken it to questions I get regarding photos of flowers on my Instagram or on FB that I post. Who is it from? Who gave you those? --- Um, these were from Me.... and those flowers were from Myself.... and this, I gave this to myself... Why ? Because I love how flowers brighten up my place, my mood, my spirit, how they make me feel, because they are pretty and prettier when they are fresh. You know, I have bought more flowers for myself than I was given flowers?!?! Whaaaaattt, hold up... shocking huh? Like women are just waiting for life to happen to them or for them to be saved or taken care of. Sure it would be nice or I wouldn't reject flowers from someone else, but idea is that I do not depend on someone else to give me flowers.

Why does it have to do with someone else other than myself? Why is it strange for people to hear - I do this or I like this because I like it.  Why is it that hard to think that women like to do things for themselves like there must be another half that must be in the picture, or that our sole purpose is that we do things to find that someone else, that she must be seeking, or that must be why this or that is in her life - the end goal of a man or a partner or something like that. 

Because I have been single for most of my life I have been very sensitive to those nuances from others. It has felt very insulting and has added undue pressure and had made me question myself. And to say otherwise than what they assume, there must be something wrong. I've been on the outside looking in for most of my life. I have seen it from my perspective. There are people who view it from their perspective, maybe they have been living as a partner for someone else more often than they have been independent and on their own. Maybe they do not understand what it means to be independent and to face being happy in your own company, own experiences, own achievements. 

Anyhow, that is my judgement from looking at them, just as they may have from looking at me.

No one likes to be told who they are. No one likes having assumptions about them as facts. We all seek to be seen for who we are, no one likes to be called fake. Maybe there are many out there that are, so when there is something real they question it, doubt it in some weird self destructive way. 

Anyhow this instant in time I was so happy. Happy with me and happy where I was. And no, this instant in time, I was not seeking anything else, because as little as it may seem this was my goal for 16 years before, and ..................I had finally arrived.