GO AWAY

lol


Just when you think something has past, you question yourself that maybe you were just ignoring it.
Sometimes I wonder, what is the purpose in engaging in conversation when you know the path leads no where or the no where of the same old horrific cycle of abuse. You know that there is nothing you need or want from that person anymore, the damage has been done. And all that matters in the world right now is yourself, getting better and healing. Would engaging in conversation again lead to healing or draw you back into an illusion of wanting things to be fixed and better, to what you idealized you wanted. The art of self preservation is a tricky one. An olive branch extended may not really be an olive branch especially if you accepted it before many times and know the end result. How deep do I need to go to realize what the lesson is that I need to learn from this all. How do I know I learnt the lesson.
The pattern is evident - the same cycle. The season of fall/winter, the probable fact that whatever was in play was now lost and there is no one for that person, so you are the go to, the one "that will always be there", to use, to pass time to take their loneliness away for a moment. You have hoped before that they would see your goodness, that your compassion will make them a better person, your understanding and your forgiveness. Yet it never does.
In fact you gave it away so much to a person that uses it and throws it away, that in the end you no longer had all those for yourself. There was nothing you gave to yourself. You left no compassion, no forgiveness, no understanding for yourself. You left yourself loathing your own being, feeling unworthy of anything good. Every time you accepted that olive branch, this was the result, worsening with every repeat.