big love during these crazy times

 Well, its been a bit. 

So much has happened and it almost feels like the world just has this crazy energy flowing, everyone defensive and sensitive to all the world issues happening around us, feeling a sense of helplessness and somewhat antagonistic to our fellow humans. 

All this to say, I have almost lost any sense of clear direction on what to write about. Just when I think something is interesting and worth noting on here, more things come up and I feel like I cannot focus too much on a topic and I just need to move on. 

Two life events have happened recently in my closer friend sphere. 

A dear friend of mine lost her husband, her best friend, suddenly from a massive heart attack. 

A week later another close friend just gave birth to her first child, who I practically think is my child too because of all the life stuff we have been through and all the talks we have shared on things we two can only understand. 

Life and Death. 

What matters is the time we spend in between, who we spend it with and how deep our connections are. 

I have been blessed to have been a part of their Journeys in these instances... sometimes I think things like these should put life itself into a better perspective - regardless of all the chaos of politics and plandemic and evil forces happening around us at this time. 

I have called both of these friends Blessed. 

What does Blessed mean exactly? Maybe lucky? Favored? fortunate? If we are talking more of a spiritual religious level, having something amazing and worth cherishing and loving that we all would be so "fortunate" to also have, a gift?

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With my friend who has lost her husband, I am sure she may want to tell me to F off if I were to say she is blessed at this moment. But the question running in my mind throughout the week was - is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? The extreme emotions of being in love so deeply and finding someone to call your best friend, someone to ground you in ways that just balances you, the level of understanding and the level of "us against the world", a partnership/team with a bond no one else has to understand - the intensity of finding that, which is rare, in contrast to also experiencing the loss of something that great, the pain and devastation to the point of wondering how to continue on without them, my heart aches for her. 

I thought that my answer to that question would be it is better to have loved and lost... because what is life without those emotions than possibly a calm, mundane existence, with joys and heart aches as well to say the least, but never quite getting to those extreme intense feelings. 

Of course those are just my thoughts. She was blessed to find her match - I have been there through her other relationships and during his funeral I said a little prayer, thanking him for taking care of her and being there for her for all this time, though short. He was a blessing to her. I joked with her often how he could even put up with her ha. He must have been a great guy, because I know the struggles she has been through as well, he was her rock, her grounding, her solace. 

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To my friend that just gave birth. Ive been there through our early stages, both late late bloomers and have always discussed our hopes and dreams. She's been there through my struggles and has not judged me in difficult times and during my ultimate failures. We learned so much about ourselves and have literally been the blind leading the blind in many cases. Shes taken heed to my advice as well and has found that person to start her new life journey with and has been blessed with the little one we talked Oh so often about, even before the idea of him was even possible. Even to think of whats to come and whats ahead for this little one in this big new world and to see his support systems as well, the maturity and life experiences that have shaped her leading all to this, is just amazing. He is so welcomed and so loved even before he was born. I am so happy for her and I am sure to cry when I finally get to see him. 

Such joy and heart ache at the same time for these friends of mine. How important life is and how we live it. How blessed they are to have experienced such big love. 

  Here is an oldie....

My CPR instructor

 I recently updated my CPR certificate. Surprisingly it was a class of 10 people in a large room. I still felt safe enough. I would say it was a pretty good class and I probably learned more than I have in previous classes. The instructor insisted on Hands-On instruction and engaging in conversation, rather than just going by the book and page numbers etc.

Since I did the course during the recent lockdown, we had to place the plastic dummies that we practice on, both the adult and the infant, into clear plastic bags. This is despite the fact that each of them were washed down and sanitized anyways.

What was pretty funny is that the instructor at the beginning of the class said to us, " by the way just letting you know, we don't actually put people in plastic bags when we're doing CPR on them!" Lol "you would think that's a given, but I actually had a student ask me for extra plastic bags at the end of one class. And when I asked him why, he said to put the people we are saving and doing CPR into." 

It was a very engaging class to say the least. Remember everyone: 30 compressions, two breaths!! The instructor has been a paramedic for about 13 years. One of the main messages he kept saying is that tv is filled with lies. He was explaining all these common emergency scenarios we see on tv, and he was frustrated with how inaccurate and incorrect they were (and what it maybe teaching the average person).

At the end of the class the instructor said something very interesting. He asked us why we learn CPR. The number one leading cause of death in the country is a heart attack / cardiac arrest/ because of cardiovascular disease. Don't quote me but I think he said it's around 30% of total deaths a year. The next highest or same level is cancer. And the next are other diseases, accidents, then suicides ... etc etc. He also said nearly last on that top 20 list is due to violence like gunshot wounds or stabbings. 

He then went on to ask us ... But which is it that we hear on the news every day???

Very true. I have a few patients that have told me how downtown is unsafe and that there are lots of "crazies" out there and so many killings..... Sometimes I wish I could just accompany them out of their house to visit downtown and just enjoy the day. But somehow I think, even if that happened they would still be walking around in fear of what's around the corner, despite what their own eyes would have shown them. Instead I just try to tell them they don't need to watch the news all day... Do something they enjoy.... 

Then of course, there's always a "yea but....."

Fear is a great motivator, the great influencer... But I've heard love and hope are stronger.

Happy New Year

 At noon today I get a text from my bf

"hey how's the day going?"

"It must be difficult working with some people, but you seem to do a great job." 

"too bad your boss doesn't appreciate you" 

Woah. 

To some it may not seem like he said much, but considering the difficult time my present boss has given me in ALL of the 15 years working at this place, especially when we are dealing with this pandemic and basically onsite seeing patients all day while they sit comfy in their offices or at home or at their cottage, I did not realize how these simple words would feel. Acknowledgment and understanding without saying "you know" what I must be going through. 

I usually just brush off Thank-yous from patients, because this is what we do every day and the empty thank yous from certain staff who emptily say "they know" what you are going through or the anxiety this new virulent strain is causing - because they do not know, how can you when you are at home while I am seeing patients face to face? They like to say they know but they do not actually know - which makes it even more insincere because it is obvious THEY do not really know. 

So hearing this acknowledgement and understanding is like a warm hug I did not realize I needed and has also made me realize what is lacking at work from the main people that are there to support staff.