Love yourself

"Love yourself" - it is said so often its become a cliche.

I stumbled upon this video of this lady on instagram. 

I thought it was so cute and I just got what she said....

Surround yourself by all that is good.

There is internal list I have been carrying of people that bring good energy into my life, people I admire, where you just feel great, even for that instant of meeting them or spending time with them...

but wow,

- how nice it would be to look at and be with your new best friend, every single day!

Elementary school friend

Her name was Stephanie. She was a friend from elementary school, I think I met her in grade 4 to be exact. She was new to my elementary school when I was new as well. She was fun and positive. She was friends with a lot of people.
She was the youngest of 3. She had an older brother and sister.
In high school she was in band and had a bunch of different groups of friends she hung out with.
And sadly after grade 10 she had to move away to the wonderful sunny California state.

We wrote letters back then via postal mail.

How nice it is to get a hard copy kinda mail, in handwriting and cute stationary ... we just had to be patient with it.

Of course I missed her and would often ask when she was coming to visit (I think her older brother and sister stayed in Canada).

She would also talk often about visiting as well.

It so happened that when she visited a few times she never had the chance to meet with me. Yet I would hear in high school of her meeting with a few of her other friends when she was in town.

I felt hurt and started to get annoyed and mad, to the point that one Christmas I saw her at Mass, not being told that she was even in town. And I said to myself with great confirmation after seeing a glimpse of her "Whatever, I don't care anymore. I wish I never ever see her again!" 

A few days later, a mutual friend of ours called in shock and crying "Joss, Stephanie has died!"
I too was in shock, I thought it could not be true! So horrible! I immediately felt sad at the same time remorse for what I said so strongly a few days before.

Also in that instant I felt that any bit of hurt, anger, annoyance that I had towards her before was gone. I realized then how much it did not mean a thing. How many annoyances, hurts, grievances of this world are simply so trivial?
Especially with those you love, loved, and care about.

We carry on these hurts, without communication, and we carry them as if they are true, the story we made of it we feel is true, we carry on the hurt as if to someday tell them and show them or teach them or even to simply just be a victim of them. We use it to justify our distance, or our anger, we use it to justify how we are more righteous and they are to blame, they are in the wrong, they are the ones causing us this pain, they are the ones doing it to us, maybe they will see and realize their wrong, maybe they will be taught a lesson --- so many things we carry with this.

Yet, when it comes to death or passing of anyone on this earth, that is it.
There is nothing after.
No changing anything, no teaching them a lesson, no showing them their wrong, no proving we are right.
However, there also is no showing them you love them or care about them, no laughter again, no connection, no re connection, no enjoying their company, no reconciliation, no sharing of good and bad news, now growth together, no exploring more about that person, no great conversations, no supportive talks.
No telling them that you hurt me, and it hurt because I care about you being in my life.
No telling them You mattered to me, that is why I felt this from you: hurt or pain or love or joy.
It is all gone.
Time is up.
That is all you had to show and express it all with them.
What you gave them is all you are leaving them with and vice versa.

I realized all that I thought about, and all that mattered after her passing, was the parts of our friendship that touched me, the laughter we shared, the reason why we were friends in the first place is all that mattered.

Somehow I think this holds true for many that pass. What we think about is the good. What we miss is the good. The bad, was in fact, very unimportant.
 
When we are in this world and all alive, how hard is it to remove ourselves of this hurt from others that we carry around us with so much pride? And how easy it is for this to not carry so much power over us when there is a death, a passing of someone we love? It shouldn't take the passing of someone to realize this.

How will your pride react when a person in your life passes?

-------------------

Loss

Weird how FB connects people even though in a distant way.
I found out that an old friend of mine's mom passed away recently.
He was pretty close to his mom. Both him and his sister.
Actually they all were pretty close.

I cannot imagine the loss of a parent.
I love my folks and cannot imagine this world without them.
Yet even then, I do not think I am even as close as he was to his mom.

I'm reflecting back and I think that is something I may not have always understood (the closeness he had) but it is something I did admire.
The respect and love he had for her as well says a lot about a person.
I think for the most part his mom raised them both and I did not hear much about his dad.

Though I have never met her, I think we both knew of each other, that is how close he was to his mom.
She seemed to be loved by many as well.
The affect she had on others seemed great.

The older I get I have been wondering ..... what is the purpose of the grind?
And whoooop 10 yrs has gone by...... what have I done?
More and more I am realizing it comes down to the affect you had on those around you.
That is what is left behind, that is your mark in this world.
Not what you gained, nothing materialistic, not the places you have traveled, not the career you chose, not the car you drive, not the awards you have won, not the arguments you have won, not the proving that you are right and others are wrong.....

Its the affect you have on other peoples lives.

mud.

Did you know that when you mix red and green = brown?
A yucky Mud like colour.
Bleh
yay. 
berry spinach smoothie.